Honestly, I think this might be my greatest area of struggle. I understand my children. Even though I don’t like it, I understand when my daughter has a meltdown or my son over reacts. I am prepared to handle their outbursts and love them unconditionally. When we are at home alone, just our family, my children are who they are without judgement from their parents or siblings. I love that feeling. Watching my children be who they were intended to be free from scrutiny is how I wish it could be all the time. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a judgement free world.

Many people do not understand my children or their diagnosis. There are even some who believe it is made up and not a real thing. From the time my children were little, I have had numerous comments and “suggestions” from well meaning people on how I could be doing a better job as a parent to discipline my child. “He just needs more consistency from you.” or “Have you tried…” even “Well he just needs a good old fashion spanking”. While I’m sure these people did not have any ill intentions sharing their unsolicited advice with me, all I felt was judgement.
Raising children with special needs is probably one of the hardest jobs there is. You constantly have to be “on”, day and night. You are constantly second guessing yourself. I worry constantly, am I doing this right? Am I giving him/her the best chance possible? Should I be schooling them myself? Are they in the right therapies? Do they feel loved and accepted by me? How are their siblings doing? Am I paying enough attention to my neurotypical children? Am I overprotective and not giving him enough room to grow? Are they being bullied at school? Is their IEP or 504 correct for them? Are their teachers really helping them correctly? It goes on and on for me. I judge myself plenty. I don’t really need more from others.

The other day I took my sweet Autistic daughter to a public park with friends. She did surprisingly well for quite some time, then she got hit in the head by someone. It was just an accident, but she was hot, thirsty and overstimulated. Then come the full on meltdown. She was screaming and crying in the middle of the park and nothing I did would calm her. You should have seen the stares and looks from the other mothers with their perfect children. You would have thought she would have stripped naked and danced around the playground they were so appalled. Knowing my daughter, I knew she wouldn’t be calming down any time soon, so we excused ourselves and went home. I left feeling so judged and deflated. I know that their stares and judgements shouldn’t bother me, but to be really honest, it does sometimes.
I don’t want people to look at my daughter the way they do. She is not a bad child. She is sweet, funny, kind, thoughtful and loving. They just can’t see that. They choose not to see that.
So how then do I deal with the judgement?

First, I continue to remind my daughter how special she is. I make her repeat to me everyday that she is smart, kind, beautiful and loved. I remind her on a daily basis that she was created perfect, just the way God intended for her to be. You see, I believed that God never makes a mistake. My sweet girl was born perfect and its my job to convince her that she has every opportunity that anyone else has to be everything she wants to be. She will just have to work a little harder. She can do it, and I will be there to help her every step of the way.

Second, I continue to remind myself, that God gave these children to my for a reason. He knows better than I do what they need. He knew that they would need me as a mother, not anyone else. If God believed that some other mother would be better equipped to deal with my child’s needs, he would have given her to them. He didn’t, he gave her to me. She is my joy, my light, my responsibility. I have everything I need to handle the challenges that face us thanks to God’s grace. Even in those times where I feel incapable, I remind myself that I have all I need and thought God’s wisdom and grace, I will make it through.

Third, I make a plan. I try not to find myself surprised by situations. I know that at some point, my child will have a meltdown in public. It’s not a matter of if, but when. I prepare myself ahead of time that we might need to leave early or go to the car or find a place for her to calm down. I am going to be stared at and judged. I am going to make a choice (sometimes I fail) to not allow it to bother me, but to focus on the needs of my child not the needs of others. To be really honest, I don’t care if you are inconvenienced or bothered by my child screaming. You will get over it. I am going to care for my girl the best way I know how. I will not make excuses for her and I will not offer you a reason for her outburst. I will not humiliate my child but announcing to everyone that she has special needs and doesn’t know any better. She will be my priority.
Judgement will come no matter what I do. As a human race, we judge each other. Its sad but true. If I am honest, I judge others as well. I don’t have a choice if I am judged. I do however have a choice how to deal with it. I can choose to allow it to consume me and never go out in public with my children again, or I can choose that the welfare and happiness of my children outweighs my fear of being judged. I can choose the joy of my children and understand that the judgement that comes from others doesn’t have to define me. I am not what you say I am and neither is my child.

Often at night I sing a lullaby to my daughter before bed. I leave you with the bridge of that song.
“If they knew all about you, they’d end up loving you too. All those same people who scold you, what they’d give just for the right to hold you. Little one when you play, pay no heed what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear, baby of mine.”